Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I don't like making plans because then the word "Premeditated" ends up as part of the charges.

   I have nothing funny to say this morning. My creative license was revoked.

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   Hurricane Irma flooded Florida so bad, the septic tanks in the sewer system have started to over-flow. I guess Florida is now a brown state.

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   FOX News compares the confederate monuments to the 9/11 memorials.....Okay, if you say so. They're FOX News, they are always right, right?

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   Hurricane Irma: Hillary's only chance for her book to fly off the shelves in Florida.

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.