Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't the U.S. have missiles that can reach North Korea? #testthem

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.

   Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.

   My sleep number is pi.

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   The only thing lower than don's approval raitings is his supporter's IQs

   Rush Limbaugh who called hurricane Irma a hoax, has evacuated his florida residence. Now why would he do that if Irma is a hoax?

   In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   I am curently baking the air in here @400° because I am not turning the heat on yet!