Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.

   ink I am gonna celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then kill them and take their land. Happy Thanksgiving CANADA!!

   Someone asked me what the difference between a professional and a businessman is: a businessman thinks about himself, a professional the organization.

   The next person to tell me I overreact is going to get stabbed.

   This day is going so well..ill give it 10/10/10!

   Fills betrayed. Found out the bass pro shop has been open in Nashville for a month and my wife has been throwing the mail fliers away

   Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. Sold it on EBay. Made a tidy little profit.

   Ultrasonic teeth scaling at the dentist HAD to been invented by Josef Mengele....SONOFAB*TCH that hurts sometimes.

   Due to the current economy....I will no longer accept a penny for my thoughts. I want $1 for them now.

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   Puking is my body's way of saying, "Now there's room for more booze!"

   The morning after the night before is always the next day.

   Ha ha there's nobody here. I'm going to steal the internet and sell it on ebay! Oh wait....

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   Granny- "I like pushing those rotating doors you get on the way into some places, really fast when there are people in them because it means they have to kind of run to stay standing"

   just changed his relationship status from single to engaged and back to single to see if any chicks will try to get me on the rebound.

   noticed it is 10-10-10 @ 10.10 AM... awesome!

   You dang woodchucks, quit chucking my wood!

   You only eat candy corn when there's no other candy to eat.