Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   I just met a girl who was so hott she doesnt even poop!

   You can attract flies with honey, but you get more honeys if your fly!

   Had colon cancer so they removed part of it. Now I have a ;

   If you believe in reincarnation, will your gravestone say "BRB" instead of "R.I.P."?

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   Facebook needs to add "P*ssy Whipped" to it's relationship status.

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

   Why is it okay for fat ppl to say "god ur skinny" but I can't say "damn ur fat"?

   Why join a gym if you have Photoshop?

   People always tell me that I should follow my dreams. Last night, I had that dream where I was in school, but I was naked in front of the whole class. Off I go! I might need bail money.

   If you enjoy wasting time, then is it really time wasted?

   Just because you don't have a pool, doesn't mean you can't have a diving board.

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   I'm the architect of my present not an artifact of the lost and forgotten past...

   it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

   thinks that if alcohol isn't the answer, the wrong question was being asked!

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" placards in the hotel bathrooms. Hang up the towel, you save the earth from extinction....leave a towel on the floor....a panda dies !