Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   NASA: don't look up at the eclipse without the required glasses Trump: what does NASA know? I have amazing eyes. Best eyes you've ever seen

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   i can't believe no American radio station played total eclipse of the heart yesterday, what a waste of an eclipse

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.

   New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...

   For sale solar glasses only used once. Paid $ 1.25 I would like to get $1.00 for them.

   Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...

   The country is going down for the simple fact that some people really hate Trump. Let that sink in

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.