Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My nephew clogged the toilet and "forgot" to tell someone. His name is Hunter & he blew out a septic system

   Bieber got a brit award. This makes me want to stick my genitals in a deep fat fryer...

   As the great philosopher Miley Cyrus once said "So I put my hands up they are playing my song the butterflys fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah, it's a party in the USA

   I found Jesus today , he was between the sofa cushions next to the TV remote.

   if you ever get mauled by a bear with chain saw hands, I hope he stays away from your face because I think your cute <3

   I ate so many Popsicles yesterday that I just farted a rainbow ..

   Rock a bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all. Really? Why the hell did you put you kid in a tree for anyway?

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.

   Camp Lejeune bottled water is now outselling Bud Lite.

   am I the only person who thinks Michael Jackson isn't dead ..... he's just hiding with Elvis.

   Giving Obama credit for the killing of Osama Bin Laden is like giving the flower credit for producing honey.

   Science ignores any facts that disprove evolution. Nothing scientific about that!

   Just found out, Microsoft bought skype for $$8.5Mil??? Idiots !!!! I knw Bill Gates has the money, but that fool could have downloaded it for freee !!

   The Golden State Warriors are losing the NBA championship on purpose because they don't want to visit the White House.

   You know why Asian couples can't have there own Caucasian baby?? Because 2 wongs don't make a white.

   Hey Oprah your shows over,,,go to the dam gym ,, and try and lose some weight already,,,!!!

   In what world does a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   I have never in my life seen a Tattoo and said "wow, that looks classy" All a tattoo is, is a "LOOK AT ME" statement

   When black men pick cotton... All I can think of is the good ol' days! Praise Jesus.