Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!

   If I was out there on a boat or scuba diving, It'd be "shart week" for me

   I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   Ian Hart wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell

   If Trump isn't your president, why do you want to fight in his military?

   I wonder if John McCain is still a war hero in the eyes of Trump?

   No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.

   I'll admit, if Trump eliminates the MS-13 gang, he will have gained my respect. Trump better not deliver a false promise!

   The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   I hope the police take the Orange Man's advice and rough him up when he is finally arrested for being a Russian Spy.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.

   This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.

   pot a gateway drug? Not everyone who smokes pot ends up doing heroin, but everyone who does heroin started off with smoking pot!

   North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   When Kim Fatass Un bombs us, are we gonna blame Obama?

   Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.