Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife that men are like a fine wine...we only get better with age. The next day ,she locked me in the wine cellar.

   Support the economy, buy me a beer.

   if you forget Valentine's Day and your lady gets angry just tell her you were waiting for Presidents Day to combine the two into one special evening.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.

   After many bad reviews it's clear the Blackberry playbook is no threat to the iPad. In response Apple release the iToldYa

   I learned 3 things from "Look At Me Now": Chris Brown is getting paper, Busta Rhymes has four tongues, and Lil Wayne doesn't eat sushi

   BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere.

   wants everyone to know that June is "Chafing Month"!!

   Don't wast your time being the one who is always there desperately waiting and being just an option.

   Trump gets criticized for wanting to boink his own daughter, but dam, I want to boink her too.

   Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

   Hillary is working with her aids to beat Trump. Meanwhile, Bill is working with his doctors to beat A.I.D.S.

   Has anyone considered that Trump might be a Galaxy Note 7?

   If whales are so smart, why do they swim so close to Japan?

   Medicare for all is Socialism. Also don't you dare touch my Medicare!

   Corvidiot: Pronounced - Cor-v-idiot. Meaning - Someone who is a coronavirus incredibly stupid. Exceple 1 - Dude! Are you really go out to get coffee with friends? Exemple 1 - Look at the dude with 300 rolls of of toilet paper in his shopping!

   God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

   The last time the Cubs won a World Series, the Republican Party favored voting rights for African-Americans.