Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many times does you know that we only have certain things in because you are not doing only what he wanted for who did you think about the twelve sheep in my yard are eating the boots inside out they need.

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.

   Are you auditioning to be a FOX News host, or do you just enjoy being an uninformed, reality-challenged halfwit?

   Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

   It's not easy being orange.

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.