Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   “Hey you kids - get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in "Terminator 5"

   Girls that text "kk" instead of "ok" are only like 3 bananas away from burning a cross in somebody's front yard

   Everybody deserves someone who'll make them look forward to tomorrow than make them dread tomorrow.

   having sex is just like playing the drums, the harder you hit the louder they get.

   What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker? The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poly-Grip.

   When life gets too stressful, sometimes you need professional help. Hire a prostitute, they're highly-trained at stress release.

   "Pay me now Round Eyes" kinda ruins that delightful happy ending moment

   The song, "Strangers in the Night," is about your grandpa banging your grandma the night they met.

   only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.

   "Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word

   Out of all of Santa's reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.

   The music business is always chasing trends. Adele sells millions, so RCA makes Kelly Clarkson gain 80 pounds.

   My buddy who is obsessed with lesbians said, "You can't beat two lesbians doing scissors." I said, "You can if you've rock."

   ██ ████████ ██████ ██████████ ██ ████ ██ ████ ██████████ ██. ███ ███ This comment has been found in violation of H.R. 3261, S.O.P.A and has bee

   My voice is so gay an awkward sounding.. I make it deeper at work on the phone or over the PA system to sound like "one of the guys"

   Gotta love the siri iphone 4. My friend farted in the car and siri new we had pizza..!!

   My cat got a "YOL9x" tattoo across it's stomach.

   By the end of the night...what can you say?......Happy Paint Satricks Day...Ossifer!