Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst things in life are also free.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   If all of your Facebook pictures are tiny, people think you're retarded.

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Payroll for 53 over-hyped players: $168 Million, Big a$$ stadium: $1.6 Billion, Getting the Superbowl to that stadium: $100 million Everybody knowing that you spent all that money and your team STILL sucks: Priceless : D

   i'm not an alcoholic the world just feels better when i'm drunk

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   SHUT COMPUTER DOWN... go outside... AND MEET SOMEONE!

   put your big girl panties on... and DEAL WITH IT!

   Wants an app called PHARMville, so she can send notes to her friends like "really needing valuim or heavy narcotics soon"

   Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

   Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.

   In California, we don't throw our garbage away. We turn it into reality TV shows.

   wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell

   You need space? WOW. I never knew you were an astronaut.

   Gangsta rap made me do it

   My tan has got a bit outta hand, the white man always called me indian squaw SNOOKI that's all I ever heard SNOOKI how I learned to hate the word SNOOKI she's no good they warned, the other children always laughed at me give her a grenade she's a SNOOKI

   thinking up new and creative ways to kill zombies.

   I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.