Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the early 90's hip-hop game, I suppose MC Hammer was wearing the trousers!

   a man with flaws, a failure at success, no superhero, neither rich nor poor. I am, however a good father and a happy person. that'll do pig. that'll do.

   hates it when he goes to take a drink and the straw goes up his nose. Not cool when tryin' to impress the ladies!

   waving his pants and shouting 'viva la revolution'

   went into my local store and I saw that they had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP",I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

   When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.

   Hey Boston-LOVE THAT DIRTY WATER♥

   would it be cruel to kidnap a man and keep him for purely sexual reasons?

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   Can't stand the automatic bathroom appliances... WTF... I am not done.. Thanks for the generous water ration... Btw, your paper towels are like sand paper

   recently accused of being insensitive!! And I thought, how did this fat bit*h get her wheel chair up the stairs to my house?

   Yuck. There's nothing more disgusting than cigarette butts in the urinal.. What's worse is that their so d@$% hard to light!

   Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   Before you make your birthday wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of the English language. Unrelated- would anyone wanna purchase a massive rooster, a bunch if wet Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey.

   Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

   are the smurfs just a midget tribe of the Avatars?

   Creates an imaginary girlfriend. She just wants to be friends.

   The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.

   Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...