Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   "When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   hey guys, lets see some of your best, it's so hot jokes.

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....