Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   Breaking News: My family is kidnapped by Ninjas I need $4 for karate lessons.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   Dear Mr. undercover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas. ;)

   I don't start trouble! I just keep it going.

   I guess, I just don't get the whole, shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingee women got going on.

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   You're Not my type is just a nicer way of saying your Ugly.

   hates eating hard shell tacos. Take one bite and it becomes nachos.

   out like your hairdo!!

   Running with scissors. Take that society.

   TIP TO REDUCE WEIGHT! first turn your head to the left...then turn your head to the right,..repeat this excercise evrytime you are offerd something to EAT

   busy re-wrapping extra strength chocolate ex-lax in Hershey miniature wrappers for the Trick or Treat-ers this week end.