Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   I would like to high-five the first person who convinced their mom that peanut butter and jelly is not a dessert food, but a delicious and nutritious meal.

   Being a TV writer for CSI: Miami would be the best. You would never get rejected. "Your script is over-the-top and and makes no sense. We love it!"

   9 words to live by... IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE OFFICER ;)

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   The rent is too damn high!!!!!

   the 93% of people who will NOT re-post this as my status (all chain-status updates)

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?

   Talking Sh1t is harder now with Google out there.

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   shopping for halloween costumes with Tera Patrick.

   EVERYBODY: [1] HAVE FUN TONIGHT. [2] WANG CHUNG TONIGHT.

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   if common sense was made out of chocolate you wouldnt have enought to fill a smartie...

   I suggest you don't wear orange in october if you're a little on the chunky side.

   just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!

   My 80 year old grandma is just learning how to text. She thinks LOL means "Lots of love". She sent a text saying, "Your aunt Martha passed away this morning... LOL"

   standing in the store's personal hygene section waiting for hot chicks to walk by and as they do I spray them with Axe Body Spray. Glad I didn't $pend any $ on this s**t because the reaction I'm getting is NOTHING like in their commercials!!!

   Hates when people run their mouth and they have no idea what they are talking about.