Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

   With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon

   "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." -Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   I believe that children are our future... ...it's why I got the vasectomy.

   You can't spell amusement without semen!

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   To honor Hugh Heffner, all erections will be at half staff today

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   *coughs for 5 minutes straight* **checks for abs**

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?

   [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”