Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't see why everyone is hording toilet paper for.... it does have 2 sides

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.

   You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they'd be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   Whoever stole my glasses you WILL be sorry, I have contacts!

   Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

   The lady in front of me at Wal-mart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her a chastity belt might be a better use of the money.

   If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? When are they going to start making condoms? asking for a friend.

   I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

   The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

   Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .