Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently 'Fat Tuesday' doesn't constitue telling fatties they're fatties.

   I would've hated to have been the guy that had to change the light bulbs on The Green Mile......."Really?? Again??"

   so hardcore I bought 1 newspaper and took 2! now what!

   They passed a budget last nigt and the Fereral Government STILL shutdown today! Oh wait... its Saturday isn't it?

   New Rule: If you are currently separated and/or getting divorced you must deleted or at least block your soon to be ex.

   At what point does Wonder Woman go Google things to know about them instead of only wondering and turn into Know-It-All Woman?

   The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.

   searching Netflix for a movie to watch and found one that's titled after what all the women of my past have said to me... "I Love You, Don't Touch Me!"

   A man posted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

   Never trust the word of a man who wears a wig.

   Dear sleep, I miss u. Come find me I'll be waiting ;-)

   This Yorkie is eating up our retirement money. I'm serious. She found the shoebox under the bed.

   guess ima get ahead start and get google+ account because facebook drawlin

   A woman said : "Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless" I say : "women are like anything that can be bought by those pennies"

   Dear Weatherman, Thanks Nostradamus, but I believe the fact that I now have ovaries is a pretty good indicator of how cold it is...Tell me when I can expect the thermometer to NOT read "Fu@king Burrrr" anymore....work on that...thanks

   Dear Lunchables, I remember when I was a kid I used to love eating you, now that I'm an adult, I realize now that you are just cheese and crackers and are nowhere near a full lunch, wtf was I thinking. Please update your lunchables to feed more than a sma

   I get fewer Valentines than Christmas cards. ....I got one Christmas card

   it just me...or does Muammar Gaddafi looked like Mickey Rourke?

   You know what baby you have been with me through all the bad times.When I got fired you supported me,when my business fell you were there.When I got shot, you were by my side.Well now that I think about it I think you bring me bad luck!!I think

   You know you're in trouble if your doctor smirks as you sign a contract.