Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   wtf? why is Obama meeting with Indians? Thanksgiving is still 3 weeks away!

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history."

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear."

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!"

   So let me get this right, I cant legally smoke marajuana, yet I can go to my local gun store and buy a Semi Automatic Machine Gun, a couple of grenades and all the ammo I want? Now who's the one that's been smoking something here?"

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   "Dont I know you from somewhere?" = The absolute worst thing to say to someone who is robbing you at gunpoint...

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you actually are.

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday!! just say'in :))

   Wade: I just got your email...it says I'm fired...oh don't worry about that...I get unlimited emails..

   wondering where the white goes when the snow melts.

   Congratulations to those of you who can read this. You survived the friend cut!!

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook!

   I recently took up mediation, its better than sitting around doing nothing

   why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? cause it does not need cleaning yet!

   Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)

   I think I have it all figured out......... Now, if only someone would organize it for me.....

   PLEASE put this on your status if you know someone who has been eaten by a dragon. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this because they have already been eaten by a dragon..