Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so darn cold outside I saw a redneck'a tooth chattering!

   I guess papa johns is going to start serving pizza turnovers

   Hey! Idiot! 74 hashtags is good for your instagram picture! No...not 2 or 3...74.

   Sometimes I take things too far. I know this.

   The Academy has eight best picture nominations this year. How do they expect me to watch them all before Oscar night? I haven't even seen Star Wars eight times yet!

   Drake's music so soft when I play it my speakers float away.

   Obamacare: Emergency Room Physicians have weighed in... "Stop sticking things up your butt... Don't tell me you sat on a toy fire truck!"

   The lions in the den Daniel from the bible was thrown into was the first documented sighting of vegetarians.

   Promiscuous wizards often get staff infections. bippity, boppity, BOOOOO! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   I had a good Halloween, I went on the cheap and gave out ketchup, mustard and soy sauce condiments that I've been saving from take out for the past year. . .

   I'm sorry I keyed your car, but you didn't text me good morning.

   Yoga pants have given way to skirts and dresses, and trust me ladies. The guys are just as stoked as you are. Potentially more stoked. #spring

   When you have a side chick is that a mutual agreement? kind of like a mutual agreement between a boyfriend n a girlfriend? she agreed to just be the side chick or do she just not know she is? how does this work? asking for a friend....

   I advise you...don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   The spice girls were right...f cuk the police

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   How much for the coping mechanism? Ma'am that's alcohol..

   where there’s a will, the dead guy was probably rich.

   Some of my strongest friendships started with a blunt