Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   found this pic. on the net. The guys name in the photo was “Mike Litoris”. Oh how he must have been picked on as a child!

   just been cast as the main villian in The Dark Knight Rises.

   hates the soup to meat ratio in a can of soup:(

   "Do I look like a bag, a gadget or a perfume to you?" Stop tagging me if the photo doesn't have my face or my torso or my knee or my... you got what I'm saying

   passing gas on an airplane is like Russian Roulette. You never know when the "deadly one" will hit. Not that I've done it before... I'm just saying...

   I've got a new car, but I only get three miles to the gallon. My teenage son gets the rest!

   The she in all those "that's what she said" jokes.

   My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird a## quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   I once had fake plants in my house, but they died, because I forgot to pretend to water them.

   allergic to wasps and arrogant people.

   marriage is really tough cause you have to deal with feelings....and lawyers

   Common sense isn't common

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   I think all woman should come with a satisfaction guarantee label

   just realised the phrase is "in with hate...out with love" I thought it was the other way....no wonder I have no friends left!

   At the end of the rainbow, there's no pot of gold. It's just cornflakes.

   now that were all out of the car, I'm just gonna tell everybody since I have to go to the bathroom now. That when everybody thought that it was a dead skunk on the road,.. that's not what it was."

   Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

   do not ever think a Mach 3 razor is an appropriate to tool to get rid of nose hairs.......

   may not make the history books, but she loves another with all her heart and soul, and that's all that really matters ♥