Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a watermelon... just ask that chick on the amazing race...

   This weekends forecast: Mostly drunk, scatterd shots and a slight chance of falling down..

   If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.

   Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".

   I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   Hopefully Kate Middleton knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal.

   Got an email about seasonal jobs as a “package handler”. Had to check to make sure it was for UPS and not the TSA…

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   its ALOHA Friday no work till monday !!!

   Changing the face can change nothing. But facing the change can change everything.

   I'm stuck to the couch. I think I'm half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   I just googled the word ''anagram'' and it said, ''Did you mean: nag a ram?'' Well played, Google. Well played.

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   Wedding's in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   When people say "don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" you shouldn't answer with "Don't worry, I have plenty of other reasons to hate you."

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.