Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   FYI: A group of meth labs is called a "Missouri."

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   Yeah Right,, like YOU'VE never told a screaming child in 7-11 you had a surprise for him,, reached into your pocket,, and pulled out a middle finger...

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !