Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...heheheehe...I said bush:)

   Dear Kanye, Roses are Red, Voilets are Blue, If Justin Bieber wins an AMA, you know what to do!

   I will accept this award for Shikira tonight because she was busted by the TSA for trying to smuggle her own ass into the country

   Marriage is a three ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then there's the suffering

   I don't always drink beer but when I do, I play good beer pong

   If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

   There r 3 kinds of people in this world.Ones who make things happen,Ones who watch things happen,And ones who wonder what the hell just happened!!!

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,why are they still working??

   not many people know that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on. His name was FrankEinstein

   Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Winnie has an eating disorder. Piglet suffers from anxiety.Eeyore has major depression. Tigger has ADHD.Rabbit has OCD. & Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him

   Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   I don't think there is anything funny about hitting your funnybone...

   PMS - (Pre Monday Syndrome)

   If you think I'm crazy now, try me either WITH alcohol or WITHOUT sedatives

   Hey did everyone hear that Jeff reed tried to commit suicide? Pretty sad huh? Yeah... He tried to kick the stool out from under himself and missed...LOL!!

   Where does steel wool come from?

   Girl texts you: What ya doing? You reply: Playing Xbox.. Err I mean lifting weights. Yeah lifting weights.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.