Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earthday Birthday. Yeah, because as everyone knows, the day that the Earth was formed, the Gregorian calendar was already the accepted standard by which time was measured.

   Reese Whitherspoon and Taylor Swift must be somehow related coz they share same genes.

   If Steve Harvey managed to lose his oversized suits, then there is hope for you too to become a better person.

   Ann summers are launching its first range of underwear aimed specifically at the welsh market. The whole range is made entirely from pure wool

   I always break up with someone in the rain, because I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.

   sarc my second favorite asm

   VODKA: the boredom killer.

   It's not like I think money buys happiness. I just doubt I'd be happy without it.

   It’s after 18 beers that you realise trees make more sense than people.

   I wish I was R Kelly, there are a lot of people I need to pee on.

   Instagram videos beacuse we wanna know if you are paying for the food you instagram.

   I'd do anything for you if I can trust you with my pizza.

   and the preducers of Lifetime make more money

   I know that my boss is impressed that I can work and stare at my phone at the same time. He just doesn't show it well.

   If you like my girl and you richer than me then we can share her it's really not that serious

   I'm done with the bullsh*t. Calf sh*t is officially welcomed!

   They say laughter is the best medicine, and there is no doctors here.

   Someone tell Doctor Ruth, pass the me the beer and alcohol!

   I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!

   it would be really hard to read something Yoda wrote if he was also dyslexic