Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and ginat pain in the a$%

   Feeling like Mr. Pink, although everything is going wrong I'm going to make it out alive!!

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   me and the wife do it doggy style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.

   I will not apologize for being awesome.

   Again, I can't hear you, because… I HAVE A BULLHORN

   Because I have a bullhorn and you do not! Your fancy book learnin' should've taught you that the strong do what they want, and the weak endure what they must.

   how much dryer detergent do you put in the dryer?

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.

   Gave my dogs the leftover turkey; now they're asleep beneath me with gas. Dog's ass... Not my idea of Aromatherapy...

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   why cant women love me for who I am! They only see that I'm young, handsome, Good looking, rich and famous, suceessful, independent, sexy as hell, ect.

   Ladies, you can't be the first, but you can be the next.

   Fact: Soccer is a game invented by European ladies to pass the time while their husbands cooked dinner. Go practice your throw-ins, you cheese-eating surrender monkey!

   I love going to the gym. They have free internet!

   I have the New Evo by Sprint. They told me this is a smart phone. I said "yeah yeah yeah" I didnt believe him until this morning when my phone woke me up, got me dressed, brushed my teeth, made me breakfast, warmed my car, locked the door, ect!

   next time I get in a relationship I'm gonna ask better questions like "Do you have cacaroaches in your house? Do you have a job? Do you like to milk men for all they got? And do you know how to cook anything other than Hot Pockets? Did you graduate?"