Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got food poisoning yesterday. Just not sure who to use it on yet.

   the doctor said pops has sugar in his urine now we cant stop him from peeing on his cornflakes.

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks

   If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"

   Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   busier than the drummer of Def Leppard.

   on my way to the catalina wine mixer....

   You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"

   i find tinsel distracting

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   if you want to feel skinny....hang out with a group of fat people!

   #5856 That's how many troops have been killed in Iraq & Afghanistan protecting freedom. The other number games don't matter.

   Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   I better lay off the Christmas cookies, my snow angel I just made looks like someone just pulled a stump out of my yard.