Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try not to be rude, but some of you make it hard work.

   "Try the morphine, it's excellent today."

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there

   Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.

   The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…

   Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   I don't run away from my problems. That's immature. I ignore them.

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Just how bad do you have to be for someone NOT to remember having sex with you?

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.