Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Try the morphine, it's excellent today."

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me

   My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

   If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid.

   Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Just how bad do you have to be for someone NOT to remember having sex with you?

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!

   You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there

   Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.