Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait...you mean "Angry Birds" is NOT the Britcom Version of "The Golden Girls"?

   Sometimes I don't know whether I want a girlfriend...or a sandwich.

   THE QUESTION ISN'T Who Won Debate? THE QUESTION IS Who Swallowed DE-BATE!

   My girlfriend wanted matching tattoos but they are permanent so I just asked her to marry me instead…

   My wife just left the room to go fart. Thirteen years together and we're still not there yet.

   ryan howard is the only other person who struck out more than I did this weekend..

   on the air, go ahead caller what is your request?

   had big dreams as a little kid... now they're HUGE!!! :)

   Life is like roller coster indeed, and i'm about to throw up..*woakh*

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.-James Agate

   just because he knows he's better looking than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   I Dont Even Tell Myself What To Do! So What Gives You The Right Too!!

   ...just heard that the "Octomom" won't rule out having another baby...well then, I think we can safely rule out her having even one more brain cell left...

   Be my Tom and I will be your Jerry.

   Stuffed animals - cute & cuddly to girls, punching bags to guys.

   whips her hair back and forth.

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just an oncoming train.

   I just bought the Complete Idiot's Guide to saving money for only $89.99!

   I got chased by someone jogging this morning, all because I yelled “Run Forrest Run!”