Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just over here slow clapping at your failures.

   That's the last time I spend the week listening to INXS seeking relationship advice....totally just got left hanging.

   Never underestimate the lawyer of a champion

   Mar7hall vs BEiO They are back like 2 years ago.

   whenever I see a can of Glen 20, I think to myself "do you reckon that's Ben 10's older brother?" Then I laugh. And wonder how other people put up with me.

   If getting ignored in real life is not enough, try twitter.

   Vaping is becoming so popular, I heard Jihadi Johny gave it a try today.. and I'll bet it works so good for him that he'll never smoke another cigarette..

   THANKSGIVING DAY = A day when you sit uncomfortably between two people on a long flight so you can sit uncomfortably between two people and eat a meal while people say negative things about each other and start a fight. >>>

   I'm either going to go broke today, or save a lot of money...#CyberMondayProblems

   You don't alwayds have a Plan, Sometimes you just got to have balls

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

   Not surprised with the with the new Chris Brown headline. I always new, no matter what woman he's with, that if made it to Vegas he'd hit it big.

   Gary Busey just kind of nonchalantly eating a tennis ball as a car salesman finishes up the paperwork... He thinks he's buying a hat.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator

   there's no "I" in "we" ....unless you're a gamer #Wii

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   Don't break somebody's heart. They only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kidding

   Do depressed people know they can watch bums fight over a bag of Doritos on You Tube?

   The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.