Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in company fridge. Today I had a prawn sandwich named Kevin.

   Hey people going to church, the gym or eating plants; Please keep it to yourself and stop telling us about it all the time.

   well done liverpool fc for knocking manchester united out the FA CUP

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←←Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   Halloween: The one day of the year where paedophiles get home delivery.

   Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.

   If you want to get into a race debate, OK, I'll start one.... Why is Tony Stewart allowed back in NASCAR?

   I was meditating this morning....ok, actually I was sitting on the toilet scrolling through Facebook on my phone...but, it still counts.

   BREAKING: Jimmie Johnson just won the 2013 Daytona 500....

   can now be brought to you in HD.

   counting the number of friends who remind him that it's Friday.

   If I flip this coin, what are my chances of getting head

   There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

   Someone just told me that thw word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   Last I checked, the Confederate flag turned white.

   I would get your number but I already got it off the bathroom wall.

   REMEMBER KIDS: It's not gay if it's for meth.

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   If white privilege exists, then why did Senator Warren have to pretend to be an Indian?

   Don't tease fat girls, elephants never forget...