Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why, if midnight snacks are banned, why is there a light in the fridge?

   I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.

   wonder what the Elves think of Rudolph after listening to "Roxanne" by The Police?

   Next stop... THANKSGIVING! Stand clear of the food and cold please!

   When can we expect Randy Moss to ask Randy Moss how Randy Moss feels about being waived?....

   And ps... you should'nt sing a song with an "s" in the title if you have a lithp!

   Been thinking of things I could do today, leaning towards going to Victoria's Secret and looking around.

   having a hard time deciding between a Boston Pancake or a German Knuckle Sandwich!

   Wish in one hand & crap in the other... See which gets filled first.

   I Dont know what annoys be worse?!! The viral fake group chain messages I get in my FB inbox or the Fact that some of you Dummies respond to them like your gonna get a Reply Back!!!

   Was watching Bon Jovi unplugged was how I was gonna start this update til I realized I was admitting to watching Bon Jovi Unplugged!

   Loosely translated, Cinco de Mayo means "destroy their livers."

   On this rediculously windy day I have decided to reinforce my toupee with extra strength polly grip

   What do I mean, "inner geek"? I'm deluding myself -- I'm pretty much geek all the way through.

   always tells people they'll miss me when I'm gone and they say, "How can we miss you if you won't leave!"

   Run little rabbit! Run!

   If good chocolate, good friends, good hugs or a good solicitor can't fix it then it simply can't be fixed... =)

   Hey, someone finally won! Celebrate irresponsibly.

   I try to surround myself with happy, positive people, but sometimes they just really piss me off.

   Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to read "Excellent source of hangover cure."