Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   always confused when someone brings up Indians in a conversation...I never know if they are referring to the feather or slurpee ones....

   just fell in a fountain.

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   The things that come to those that wait, may only be the things left behind by those who got there first....

   Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.

   When you go cow tippin', do you only tip 15-20% of em?

   Do you know where I can score some nasal spray?

   According to Facebook my friend posting she was doing laundry then taking a nap is "Top News".

   I wish I was made up of 5 midgets, like a human Voltron.

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of w

   hates the soup to meat ratio in a can of soup:(

   "I'm not saying you're a slut, but you would talk to a garbage can if it were waiving a $5 bill at you!!"

   1. Go to Google Maps and click on "Get Directions." 2. Enter "USA" as your start point. 3. Enter "Japan" as your destination. 4. Go to the 31st point on your route. 5. Repost this on your status

   wishes I could search Google for my car keys...

   I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone".

   breaking news cat stuck in a tree, only fox.. .

   recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.