Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My truck is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....

   Women plank on my bed every night.

   Women should "learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to.”

   When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

   This non stop Peyton Manning news is becoming a real pain in the neck.

   you say it best when you say nothing at all

   to the police officer : " Is not because I'm Drunk ! Is only because my Power Balance is not working! :Q

   this heat is making me as confused as a baby in a strip club...

   How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.

   trying to arrange a week off work so I can watch 127 Hours

   Has a immunity idol hidden in my pants.

   Just saw Dianna Ross on Oprah, wow I don't think I'll ever get an erection again

   Hey you look familiar aren't you in my AA?

   They say it's hard when gas prices are higher than yourGPA.....Gas prices have ALWAYS been higher than my GPA.

   Keep going on about how fat my Mamma is and you'll find yourself squished...

   Dont ask me to follow you on Twitter if you aren't going anywhere.

   WALL-MARTIANS... it's worth the trip

   Wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear what they said?