Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.

   If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   Sticker given to Trump supporters at the polls: "I Voted" Sticker given to Hillary supporters at the polls: "I Rigged"

   Dear Lord, Please use thy healing powers to see over Aleppo. And Lord, while you're at it, please check on his brothers; Groucho, Harpo and Chico as well. Amen.

   Apparently the Art of the Deal is actually the doodles you draw on your notepad while your deal crumbles.

   12-31-2019 11:00, I said it once and I'll say it again. If you're not happy here, the leave! No one is forcing you to stay.