Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   Other kids grew up watching SpongeBob. I watched The West Wing.

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   just Who is Donald Trump's campaign manager now anyway???

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle...

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   Someone was blocking the grocery aisle with their cart, so naturally I walked over one aisle to get around them like an adult.

   Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.

   It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.

   Are they acting like a real debate?....TeamTrump having a slow start

   Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!

   If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?

   The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.