Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friends call me "Cruiser", because I like fast cars, fast women.....and the back seat of police cars.

   "You're very welcome" -Dexter

   if I hear one more person say "its not that kind of party...put your pants back on"....i'm gonna lose it.

   Superiority complex: a psychological defense mechanism in which a person's feelings of superiority counter or conceal his or her feelings of inferiority. 

   My son's away at college...... So I peeked in his room,. "Oh my God" Now the City Landfill keeps calling they want their reputation back.

   this year for halloween I'm passing out chocolate laxatives

   Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes.

   Pro Tip: Its easy to smuggle booze into work if you put it into your stomach first.

   THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE WORKOUT CLOTHES SO COMFORTABLE TO LAY AROUND IN

   When you think about it, it's a rather fine line with some between insulting them and describing them

   Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

   I ' this close to trade 24 hours without hearing about Star Wars for 24 hours of Adele's ''Hello'' in loop on radio.

   most unromantic thing said ,to start off the holiday season..."so- what's the E.T.A on that blowjob?

   If you're smiling on Facebook for 7 years, you should revise your positive attitude towards your mental capacities.

   I'm at that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell and seeing how much worse it can getting.

   all I'm saying is that Left Shark better be in the next Sharknado

   The first rule of "Stupid Status Club" is start your status off with "The first rule of"

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.

   should we say 15 more days of WINTER or 15 more days until SPRING ?

   You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.