Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best Catch At The Home Run Derby Of All Time! Dude jumps from a ledge that's a few feet above a pool that's in right field, catches the ball, and lands in the pool! WINNING!

   i like to fast forward through menopause commercials

   I'm shocked. Amy Winehouse look like she would last 2 weeks more at least, with no worries.

   Being single just means you haven't met anyone good enough for you yet!

   I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??

   I wasn't that drunk. " Dude, you were standing on your head screaming at people to quit walking on your ceiling.

   i absolutely love sending inboxes and never getting a reply. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel.

   if you have an iphone, it means you like being told what to like.

   The GOP's answer to Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   Ivanka Trump's West Wing Duties: 1) Smile. 2) Stick chest out. 3) Hold Daddy's hand and make sure he remains calm. 4) Administer meds.

   Trump bills Germany $300 BILLION for Nato (even though that's not how it works). Dude will try anything to recoup his Trump Steak losses.

   According to this bathroom stall, Yo mama changed her number again.

   We'll be setting our clocks back soon. Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

   If you're happy and you know it, please keep your mouth shut as no one wants to hear from a Trump supporter.

   Its OK that you are voting for Hillary. In fact when Trump wins, you retards will get much better medical treatment.

   . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.

   Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?

   I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

   The police officer asked Tigers wife "how many times did you hit him ma'am?" She responded "Oh, I don't know, put me down for a 5"

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.