Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.

   You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants

   Republicans complain about people on welfare and unemployment benefits but want their businesses bailed out. Thats what I call "corporate welfare".

   I remember when Joe Biden told someone to shut up on national TV. Then Joe took that guy's job, his house and his Twitter account. That was awesome.

   Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing different colored lipstick, I am getting a damn rainbow around my d*ck.

   If you are a Man with a wife or girlfriend that is not a fat-ass, nagging, tree hugging, situation controlling, "Ive got a headache" prude; then re-post this and let them know how much you appreciate them. Any Takers? I didnt think so.

   Today is National "Women Shut Up If your not Talking About Football" Day. GO COWBOYS!!!!!

   crunchy on the outside with a deliciously chewy center

   HUGE in Europe!

   trying to convince the parents she is a responsible adult. So far it isn't an easy ride.

   Obama is demanding British rocker change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive Insurance

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrELEPHANT

   How many Bears can Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill Bears?

   God dont need a Dam, he can walk on water.

   We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat...it makes you lean...against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ....Ugly people!!!

   I understand Rush has lost a lot of weight recently...Crystal Meth is amazing!

   Lays is making new diet potatoe chip.....semen flavor... 97.8 percant of women spit them back out