Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat, So....

   When the Snake is alive, the Snake eats Ants. When the Snake is dead, Ants eat the Snake. Time can turn at any time. Don't neglect anyone in your life........

   I just read Snooki from "Jersey Shore" hates her nickname, and wants to go back to using her real name: Bilbo Baggins

   Short guys are like the fat chicks of men.

   My morning run was so cold my ballsack now looks like my wife's cameltoe…

   Thinks Oscar Pistorius killed his girlfriend because she didn't like him. She was 'lack-toes' intolerant.

   Build the wall out of solar panels. Make God pay for it.

   I was microwaving my lunch at work today ant three Trump supporters accused me of spying on the President.

   I never judge people by the color of their skin unless they have a spray-on tan.

   I know I have to watch Borat 2 to get the full story on the Rudy situation. But until the movie comes out, I'm gonna assume Rudy is guilty because it pisses people off.

   If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.

   You want to know why Trump is so pissed off? Its because the whitehouse smells like coconuts and piss.

   A 30 second super bowl ad cost 5 million dollars. Trump said that's crazy, 30 seconds only cost me 130 thousand.

   the Catholic Church gets a lot of bad press, but if it weren't for my parish priest I wouldn't even know how to give a good hand job.

   Why oh why do people use an apostrophe to make a word plural? An apostrophe s is only used to show possession (Jane's books) or a contraction for "is" (she's late for work). Get it?

   if you're a single 30 yr old male living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, despite your past, you should go ahead & add your name to the sex offender registry for future reference.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   Lady GaGa was born this way 8======D

   I have come to the conclusion that people who have had their statuses disliked will go on a revenge mission and dislike other people's statuses no matter how good they are.

   If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?