Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Dave?".. "Dave who?".. "Dave, Dave."

   When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".

   A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is deadly serious.

   Best 6 word combination in the history of mankind: Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches.

   My dog was howling, so I mooned her.

   Stealing African children from their beds, mutilating their appearance against there will..... Madonna

   Sexual pleasure (When done right) is a passion to which all others are subordinate, but in which they all unite.

   For me, the sexiest part of a woman is her mind coz that's where she decides if she's going to have sex with you or not.

   You're fat because you have a slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   New Crayola colors... Aereola Pink, Ball Vein Blue, Puckered Sphincter Brown. They figured after watching Ky intense and extenze commercials, anything goes.

   "Pearl Jam" is my finishing move

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   My GF did something last night with her mouth that all men love. She shut it.

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together

   Grammy Math. Lady Gaga + Meth / Rap Music = Niki Minaj. Discuss.

   as soon as the wife leaves for work, the kids grab their helmets for the amazing treadmill/catapult

   sure dude, you can have a smoke, and i'll light it for you, but tell me, have you ever even bought a pack of cigs in your entire life...oh its ok..yeah, I kno, you'll buy me a pack..ok yea

   Please give my compliments to the Chef......Boyardee