Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Lord, if you can't give me a six pack, at least give this other people a pot-belly...thanks!

   My proctologist examines me using a bomb disposal robot.

   kudos to Lance Armstrong for having the ball to come clean

   I think it's suiting for the letter 'y' to be at the end of the word of each day, it makes you question your days a little. Like why does round pizza come in a square box or why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp?

   Thinking ████████████ 99%

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my....other handle? Great! I've turned into a frickin' sugar bowl!!

   if I win the 265 millon California lottery this week , I am gunna fly to Somalia and collect all the trillons of Dollars I've won from all My DEAD realatives and take over the world !!!

   Q: How was David Copperfield born? A: He escaped from a condom!

   Beauty is in the Eye Of The Beer Holder.

   Now I know exactly why Australians have their own version of " Australian rules football" !!!

   What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam!

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head..

   Just came back from hell I was stuck in the red twisty tube at chuck e cheese....being poked at and laughed at by brats!

   my shadow jus stopped followin me on twitter...he'll be bak, bright days are ahead

   My favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants in the guys that yells "MY LEG!"

   Both Political parties are debating the fault line responsible for today's quake: Democrats says its the Bush's Faultline and the Republicans say its the Obama's Faultline

   sorry that he cheated on his wife, hopes you believe in him again, and wishes these bruises from the 9-iron up his a$$ would heal already!

   You can't spell "culture" without "cult".

   What's the diference between a woman and a battery? A battery has a positive side.