Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Just Gonna Stand There And Watch Me Burn, Well That's Alright Because I Like The Way It Hurts" - Joan of Arc

   pink eye... I knew it was a bad idea to wear ur undies on my head

   on the 8th day god created beer to keep Canadians from taking over the world

   I lost my virginity, can I have yours?

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   that myspace and facebook should team up together so that you can invite your friends to come on myface.

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while jacking off.

   Tampax will discontinue tampons with strings on them, it appears that midgets have been stepping on the string.

   Anyone else notice the only difference between Obama and Osama is BS?!

   Doctor, Doctor give me the news I gotta bad case of OBAMA blues.

   I never knew what a sweet dream was.... Until I fell asleep thinking about you...”

   Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers.

   Did I accidentally log into the Grand Wizards Facebook profile page this morning?

   said "See You Next Tuesday" isn't an invitation to meet up

   if a funeral possession is at night, do people drive with their lights off???

   1am... husband is snoring so loud I can't sleep! Tomorrow night I'm getting out the spray bottle and when he starts I'm giong to squirt him like a bad puppy! Yeah, I'll let you know that one turns out.

   "NO STRAW...STUPID McDONALDS DRIVE-THRU JA..oh there it is.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

   so I slept on a park bench last night..no hobo