Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you get on Facebook it's either you're stalking people or playing farmville!

   Man Law #236: Unless you last name is "Van Damme" grown a$$ men don't do the splits...

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   Just heard Jay-Z's new pro Wall Street remix. If you're having financial problems I feel bad for you son. You're in the 99% but I'm in the one.

   I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

   "If you spare the rod and you spoil the child"... More like if you spare the rod, there is no child.

   Its hard to Turn a Boy into a Man. Is even harder to Turn a Hoe into a Housewife.

   When you start smoking beers and drinking cigarettes its time to quits call it.

   I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

   Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

   If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much

   Changed all my passwords to "Kenny." Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

   North Korea tests new rocket engine. Donald Trump phones Kim Jong-un and leaves stern voicemail stating, "Me no likey."

   Did Trump's physician say he would be the fittest President in history? If anything, he might be the fattest President in history.

   Report from the White House: Trump is so depressed right now, he doesn't want to be peed on.

   If Obama gave out government grants for sukin dik guess what scientists would be doing......

   "Did you just eat my donut?" me: Yes, but there's blame on both sides.

   If Donald Trump represents Christian values, those values mean nothing.

   A good way to revoke an endorsement of Donald Trump is to grab it and take it from him without his consent.

   Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?