Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sears just called,My Back ordered Leather jacket with tassels is finally in.

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   I've sold all my John Lennon albums on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   MIRACLE-WHIP IS SALAD DRESSING NOT MAYONNAISE Restaurants stop putting salad dressing on my sammiches !!

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount

   I actually didn’t even know Aardvarks and rats could get married.

   I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.

   Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?

   White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?

   Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]

   Uh oh...FOX News report claims Ivanka, Kushner, Kelly, McMaster are on departure list from the White House. So much mixed emotions.

   I wanted a Garcia why Vega but couldn't afford it so I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown grocery bag paper. It was close, but no cigar.

   I will fight tooth and nail to get every hair off the bar of soap before it touchs my body

   Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   I'm white, but I'm not... Wait. "Friends" is on. I'll finish this joke later.

   If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been something I said.

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!