Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I actually didn’t even know Aardvarks and rats could get married.

   I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.

   Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?

   White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?

   Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]

   Uh oh...FOX News report claims Ivanka, Kushner, Kelly, McMaster are on departure list from the White House. So much mixed emotions.

   I wanted a Garcia why Vega but couldn't afford it so I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown grocery bag paper. It was close, but no cigar.

   I will fight tooth and nail to get every hair off the bar of soap before it touchs my body

   Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   I'm white, but I'm not... Wait. "Friends" is on. I'll finish this joke later.

   If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been something I said.

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!

   My safe word is "eww."

   RIP, Roger Ebert. Michael Bay can't hurt you anymore.

   The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.

   You're married and that's great but just so ya know I'm more jealous of the bachelor down the street who has no kids and own's three dogs."

   The nerves of this kid to park his Smart car in between a Handicap spot!

   sings (Mele Kalikimaka) Lennay Kekua is really dead today, the sports networks say, Manti is feeling blue, he's wishing this would all go away