Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the NHS cutbacks have gone too far... I didn't even get a f-kin sticker at the dentist today.

   I have a feeling that If alive today Hosni Mubarak's "mummy" would be disappointed!

   Today is national VD awareness day, please wish all of your single friends a warm and happy VD.

   time for class...today will never be called ValentiMe's day...learn to speak people

   Today is a special day in the rite of spring. It speaks of rejuvenated love and a reminder of things that are sweet. Happy Pitchers and Catchers Report day!

   Oh Dark Goddess Caffeina who is known by many names, bless me this day and give me the energy to get all things done that are needed.

   "Charlie Sheen and M. Qaddafi must of drank the Kool-Aid"-James Jones

   I think its time for me to clean out my kitchen cupboards. While making lunch I found soup that expired 10 years ago and some tin spice containters older than I am.

   now friends with the man on the moon,and 10 other supernatural beings.

   Sitting at home, inhaling large amounts of helium, and calling random phone numbers; seeing people just wanna talk!

   waking up from a great dream only to fall back asleep and continue that same dream

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?

   I attended my 35 year rerunion last night. I didn't walk into the ladies room, spill a drink on anyone, walk into a wall, or offer my lap to a stranger. I'm really starting to grow up ..... and its a little sad.

   Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   We are the knights who say ‘Ni!

   Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.