Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Charlie Sheen and M. Qaddafi must of drank the Kool-Aid"-James Jones

   I think its time for me to clean out my kitchen cupboards. While making lunch I found soup that expired 10 years ago and some tin spice containters older than I am.

   now friends with the man on the moon,and 10 other supernatural beings.

   Sitting at home, inhaling large amounts of helium, and calling random phone numbers; seeing people just wanna talk!

   waking up from a great dream only to fall back asleep and continue that same dream

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?

   I attended my 35 year rerunion last night. I didn't walk into the ladies room, spill a drink on anyone, walk into a wall, or offer my lap to a stranger. I'm really starting to grow up ..... and its a little sad.

   Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   We are the knights who say ‘Ni!

   Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.

   Tic toc tic toc tic toc it will soon be MULLER TIME

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency ..... I hope you're fluent in the metric system and rich enough to pay 2-3 times the price of booze here in the US.

   The Only Sabbath that matters is Black !

   Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

   Do white supremacists shop on Black Friday?

   Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume