Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; for your sake, I hope the beholder is blind.

   I don't have anxiety, as much as internal chaos.

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   I wonder if Long John Silver was in it for the gold and glory or to have underwear and a crappy restaraunt named after him?

   I wish I carried myself with the smug, all-knowing arrogance as people who've read all the Game of Thrones books.

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   No, of course I don't find it weird you brought your cat as a date

   Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble

   I cuddle on the first date.

   15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **

   The thing about a woman's smile is not knowing if she's simply happy, or because she can't wait to burn your clothes for replying "k" to her heartfelt text message.

   singing to the dark through open eyes

   ‎[citation needed]

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.

   I learned to cuss from Too Short.

   Now that I've stopped drinking I don't have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.

   Bomb Disposal Slogan: All's well as long as it's ticking.

   must be destined to be a nomad... nobody can live with me. i'd rather be a gypsy...then, I could go around making people thinner...or dead.