Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some dude playing Pokémon go came inside my house to catch a Pokémon and stole my TV

   I just discovered today that with the help of Google, I can be a speech writer! How cool is that?

   Just got burned by bacon grease and I ain't even mad because bacon...

   Had to check my bank account before I could smoke another cigarette.

   I'm no athlete in Rio, but I'd still like someone to test my urine. I suspect it's excellent.

   Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...

   America should have its own moon.

   "Cheesecake solves all problems." ~ Golden Girls 3:16

   I hope Tropical Storm Hermine gets upgraded. Only because I think 'Hurricaine Hermine' sounds like a 1950's pro wrestler.

   It's horrifying to think that Brock Turner was tried, convicted, and served his sentence in before a Taylor Swift relationship ended.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   My kid is getting bottom braces on today and said I should give her $80 to make up for the pain. She'll make a great attorney someday.

   Accidentally took 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 so someone please record the presidential inauguration for me.

   "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.

   If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.

   Amazing how much sex you don't get when you wear a denim shirt.

   I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra

   Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.