Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really busy morning at the office trying to substantiate the hypothesis that the less you work, the less work you attract.

   It's the rule of the life - the prettier the girl - the messier car; kinda a turn on.

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   at breakfast this morning, my girlfriend ordered toast instead of biscuits and gravy. I don’t see this working out…

   How have no liquor companies advertised during the Oscars? That's what's keeping us all going!

   When I said I’d give you multiples I meant a test with choices.

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   You should know you'll get loud while drinking. It says it right there on the bottle: "alcohol by volume".

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   I don’t follow celebrities on Twitter, so if I am following you its confirmation that you are NOT a celebrity.

   Well 30min work-out along with some new Tae Kwon Do moves -CHECK! And just to think that was just trying to get the snow off my tires...

   If I ever have an ugly child there is no way in hell they're going to find out about "Bring Your Child To Work" day.

   Wearing gray sweats and a RoadHouse shirt today if any of your kids need a role model.

   holds twitter under black light.... Gross.

   You would think part of Frank Farmer's job would also be protecting her from herself.

   I just realized, Caps Lock trying to shift and I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home and why anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   Today was so horrible I want to buy a picture of Calvin peeing on it to put on my vehicle.

   zombies...when Theres no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth..

   I wonder if I'm the only one who hopes they didn't take Jerry Sandusky's shoe laces away when they booked him into jail.

   “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?