Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump and Spicerhave spent the last two months with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

   Volkswagen..Das auto is a piece of crap

   pot a gateway drug? Not everyone who smokes pot ends up doing heroin, but everyone who does heroin started off with smoking pot!

   The point of YOLO isn't to party and do a bunch of crazy sh*t cause you only live once. The points to go out of your way to do nice things, live life to the fullest.

   2 Wise Advises : 1.) Never laugh at your wife's choice,you are one of them..... 2.) Never be proud of your choice,Your wife is one of them.........

   Would you rather date a woman with a beautiful body covered in tattoos, or a nicely decorated trash bag?

   #iwasntthatDrunk "Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich!"

   If two girls wear the same costume for Halloween, they are officially enemies for the day.

   Every girl is capable of murder so be careful before you hurt her :)

   Last night my wife is sipping a glass of wine while sitting with me, she says: I love you so much I don't know how I ever live without you! Me: Is it you talking or is it the wine? Her: It's me talking to the wine!

   A friend said lunch tomorrow and lets go "DUTCH" So I showed up with my DUTCH oven ready to go..

   if you're going to steal another post, you might go back about 1000 pages. Some of us have nothing better to do than bust your a$$ for reposting…

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)

   I try to eat enough greasy food so that plaque can't stick to my arteries.

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   Ever notice the word "bed" looks like one?

   I invented some cologne called come to me, does it smell like come to you

   Happy Merry ChristmaHanuKwanziDays

   BRAIN: Say something! MOUTH: You didn't call me last night. Don't bother. BRAIN: Smooth. V@GINA: This is why we don't have nice things.

   I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.