Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   If you don't put nipples on the letter o when there's two of them next to each other, then you're no fun and we can't hangout. B⊙⊙bs.

   My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

   The only person you should believe when they tell you they love you is your dog and weed.

   can't think of anytime to put as a status right now. If you could write my status for me, what would you put?

   Men it’s simple. Work all day, fix things in the evenings, paint the house, wash the cars and dogs on the weekend and give us 100% of your attention…

   I'm a proud and satisfied user of the doggie-style technique!

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   Looks like Chris Kelly of "Kris Kross" finally tripped over his backwards pants falling and hitting his head. Ooops, nope, update: drug overdose. Shocker.

   I dont know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future....

   Babe I'm Pregnant" Guys be like: ♕ KEEP CALM I'll HELP YOU FIND THE FATHER

   I wonder if Chris Dorner feels like he is jason Bourne

   It’s frightening how much trust we put in toilet spray!

   To this day I still get freaked out by the Swedish Chef's hands

   Apparently, you no longer have to be 21 to consume Budweiser!

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   I'm going to Brussells. Anyone need sprouts?

   My co-worker "Pig nose Susan" was in an abusive relationship so I contacted PETA

   Fire roasted peanuts are so much better than water or wind roasted peanuts.

   Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.